No more mental crutches

After more than two months of recovery from my fall, my broken elbow and underarm were still painfully swollen, and I was getting anxious.  At night I tormented myself with unpleasant scenarios like an operation or the draining of my underarm with a nasty needle.

 

To calm my fear, I started to think of a backup plan in case I’d be immobilized again for a long period. I told myself that I would use the time to write. Then I realised that these past months it had been nearly impossible to get back to my writing desk. Therefor an additional backup plan was needed.  In case I wouldn’t be able to write, I’d listen to my favorite podcasts and just scribble down some thoughts that I could use as inspiration for texts I’d write when fully recovered. And if that didn’t work, my backup plan C was to spend as much time as possible meditating.

 

All those backup plans turned out to be unnecessary. The moment I entered my traumatologist’s office he told me that the X-ray taken that morning showed that my elbow was healing very well. He let me look at it next to the one taken five weeks earlier so I could see the progress with my own eyes.

 

That evening the swelling diminished, the next day it was gone.

 

I’m relieved but I’m also perplexed by how my mind goes its own way.

I’ve always been a great believer in how a positive attitude can help tackle challenging situations. But this seems different. It wasn’t my attitude that influenced my mind and hence my body; it was my mind that took command of the situation and left me a mere spectator.

 

My influence on what happens is so much more limited than I’d like to think. I should perhaps spend less time making up different scenarios and buffering against them with endless backup plans.

 

But the thought of living without backup plans scares me, even though I know they are mostly pointless. They are the mental crutches I cling to even though I can perfectly walk without them.

 

Not focusing on what might happen, but being open to how life unfolds at the moment. Might that be more useful? Experience has taught me that I’m able to handle whatever comes my way reasonably well. It's a matter of going with the flow.

 

So—no more need for those mental crutches. Now that my elbow is so much better, I can bring my arms up in a scooping motion, swing my hips and boogie away to the rhythm of life.