How I’m trying to get rid of my talisman

There are two routes to take for the forty minute walk to my yoga class. One is along a wide avenue filled with cars and buses. The other takes me through pedestrian streets with lots of restaurants and sidewalk cafes. Although I much prefer the quiet route, I take the one along the busy street because it’s five minutes faster.

 

I like to go to clothing stores, but I buy practically all my clothes online because it saves time. And when I have a date set to record the podcasts of my pieces, I tend to rush my writing so I can record as many podcasts as possible. That way, I do not have to go to the studio often because that would be a waste of time and money, even though I much prefer to work unhurriedly on a piece. I also enjoy talking to the friendly manager of the studio and the walk there is through a part of Barcelona I particularly like. Going there is fun. 

 

Why do I invariably choose efficiency over enjoyment? I can’t put all those hoarded minutes in a piggy bank so that when the time comes, I can add extra months or even years to my life. I continuously put myself in the straight jacket of efficiency while I long for the freedom to do things as they suit me at the moment. 

 

I read somewhere that anxiety is the talisman we use to stave of disaster. In my case that would be the anxiety of always needing to be efficient. There is no real goal in that efficiency, it is the gift I offer the gods so that I’ll be spared disaster. That hasn’t always worked in the past and each time adversity struck I felt that I should upgrade my offer to the gods by being even more efficient.

 

But I can wave my talisman as much as I want, it’s pointless; things will happen when they happen, we have very little control over our lives. Knowing that is frightening because there’s so little we can do to prevent painful events, but it’s also a relief because I’m no longer obliged to use my talisman by being efficient. It doesn't matter anyway. 

 

The relief part outweighs the scary part, and that should make it easier for me to choose enjoyment over efficiency. But I need to practice this new habit. I have another recording scheduled in a couple of days and I’ve decided not to include this piece so I can polish it to my heart’s content. And on the way back from the studio I will visit my favorite clothing store. 

 

I’m going to enjoy this outing, but in an efficient way; I can’t help myself.